For parents with a second child coming.

Sunday, 3 June 2007

Only you get to be the first one in the family

They brought five year old Dylan to the hospital with his Grandparents, and he was very excited. He sat with Harry for a bit, and his grandfather and was literally bouncing up and down until he could see the new baby.

They'd arrived just as she was born, at 8 in the morning. Harry and I had been with the mom and dad all through the night.

The birth was lovely, calm and peaceful and baby Carly born at about 10 to 8 in the morning after a 7 hour labour.

There was something very interesting going on with Dylan, he had a very important question he wanted answered and he wanted that one question answered first. He was about up to his dads thigh in height, and his first introduction to baby sister was she was in dad's arms and held high above his head.

All the adults of his world were around him, trying to see the baby, and of course Dylan was there right in the middle of them. And he kept asking out into the
space "how old is she?" How old is she? How old is she?"

Finally I knelt down beside him, and the adults were all still focusing on baby. I said, "Dylan what do you want to know?"

By now he was getting very frustrated and stamped his little foot, and said "Aunt Kathy, I want to know how old is she?" and he was literally wringing his little hands

So I thought about it, and looked at his little face, he was so in earnest to know this. So I looked at the clock and took his question very seriously.

"Well Dylan, she's just born" He said, "No, Aunt Kathy, How old is she?", like I was being deliberately obtuse about the whole matter.

I knew this was important for him, and I had to get it right ; everyone else had moved away from us now, and it was going to be up to me to not let him down.

So I knelt down to him and said, "You know about time?" He nodded, I think sensing he was going to get his answer.

So I said to him, "well, she's so new, she so brand new, that she's actually just 11 minutes old. That's a bit longer than five minutes right?"

He nodded, and his little eyebrows shot up. I knew I was onto something. So I went on and said "she's not even a full day old yet. There's no way she 5 years old like you. Five years is a whole lot of five minutes right?"

Then he smiled at me, and I said...", she's just brand new Dylan she won't be five years old like you are for a very long time, and you know how long it took you to get to five years old?"

He nodded and smiled and beamed and said, "she's younger than me "

And I said, "Oh yes, very much younger than you, and by the time she's five you'll be 10, she can't ever catch up to your age. Only you get to be the first one in the family, that's your place, and she'll always have to be your little sister, because she's 5 years younger "

So I offer, you have to watch for those very intense questions, in the older one, because they'll be trying to sort stuff out , and sometimes it seems to the parents ridiculous questions but those unanswered questions can set the tone of everything for the first child.

About 3 weeks later I shared it with his parents. He was off doing something with Harry, and I told them the story, they were amazed a first at why he'd want to know how old she was, until they got it too. He didn't want his position threatened and it still meant he was FIRST. In the excitement of a new baby, these first children's little questions can become so secondary...and sometimes hard to understand when you've been up all night having a new baby!

And then his father Greg, was very careful anticipating all the fuss that would be made over the new baby, and always took Dylan for a walk or something, for some alone "dad and me" time, when they were first taking the new baby on outings. It was really a good thing to do, and he took Dylan everywhere with him for a while. In the car, over to the store, whatever, he just constantly kept a hand on his son, so the little guy didn't feel his position in the family was threatened at all.

By the time they arrived back to the group, all the fuss was over, and we were ready to welcome Dylan too.

And the special people in Dylan's life, like Harry Dylan would not relinquish. As soon as he saw Harry he took his hand and off they went. Harry and Greg had already sorted out that Harry wouldn't hold Carly, and that he would be there for Dylan.

They moved back east to Guelph, several years ago and when we visit Dylan is still all over Harry - he's 10 now, and sure enough, Carly's only 5.

Father's Day
Monday, 4 June 2007

A word about the dads!

There is a group of men out there, you know the ones. The ones that are sure they understand their wives pretty well, however, have also seen those same rational women lose it at different stages of their relationship.

And it's pretty clear to them, they might need to some assistance as they navigate these uncharted waters.

A lot of men are running old anchoring experiences. Knowing how you manage your mother or your sister, or don't. Remembering other moments when things have been intense in the relationship. That night in the storm, or maybe that time when you were mountain climbing together, or making that decision to relocate to the west coast of Canada...

Maybe she'll remain calm cool and collected, the same way she managed our wedding without a hitch?

Or maybe she'll be as wild as she was those few days leading up to it?

Generally it's been my experience the dads show up. They show up knowing there's going to be some challenges, they don't need a lot of preparation for it, generally they read what's needed, show up for the classes, and do the work, however, it's at the moment of birthing when some lights begin to go on, of just what they've gotten themselves into.

Some fathers suddenly realize, I'm about to be a father! OMG!

Some fathers feel it's a slide, we'll manage it all, no worries, I'm confident in her...here we go. Then all crazy lets lose and sometimes the dad is there holding his newborn son while the doctors are working over his wife, and he's not sure she's going to make it....

Life gets challenging. Most men have no idea what really goes on in a birthing room, because they've only been there once before and everyone else was in charge that time too.

So again, it seems there's not a lot they can do this time, either, it's all happening to her, really.

I'd like to share, however, that this is your baby too. And knowing what's happening to her, at each stage of the birthing process is going to help you navigate and make good decisions that will solidify your relationship and give her greater confidence in you as her partner, and as the baby's trusted other parent.

Generally, I would say that HypnoBirthing helps the fathers as much as the mothers. Often she's reading all the books, and the fathers don't really have much information passed along. Some mothers want them to know everything.

Some mothers will only feed them the information they want them to know, like a big filter, reminding everyone "you're very busy".

Essentially, you want to know. In the birthing room, it's going to be you making those decisions because she's going to be busy. If you don't know what the process is, those decisions could cost precious seconds.

My experience with the fathers is they've enjoyed the experience of learning about what birthing is all about, and they've enjoyed gaining new perspective on their wives.

We also provide sessions for fathers to be, and AFTER CARE for Dads. I've had more than one father remind me there's just a chance I'm going to see to much in here. I want my sexual interest for my wife to be strong afterwards.

For some dads, this seems a last thought, for some fathers, it can be critical!

Learning the new techniques through NLP, Hypnotherapy & HypnoBirthing will give you new tools to manage yourself and your wife, and the new life you will have with your baby!

Bookings are available with either Kathy or Harry to resolve any conflicts prior to, or after the birth!

BOOK A SESSION NOW: 604-421-1722