Creating Desired States
Yesterday I did a rather large piece with my VBAC mom and her husband. They have been fighting for a long time, almost non-stop since the first birth, 18 months ago and she’s pregnant now with the second one.
She cannot – not see the C-Section
She cried and cried yesterday as I said to her, “you keep looking at the C-Section in your past, it’s the only thing you see.”
She looked at me like I had two heads. “How do I stop doing that? I don’t think I’m doing it too much”….her husband shook his head, and said “every day, you talk about it, all day, all the time, around their daughter around anyone that will listen”.
She was aghast and feeling he had betrayed her, and was about to attack him, angrily, tears streaming down her face, “well you don’t know what I’ve suffered….”
And I stopped her. She was not happy with what I was doing, but after all, I’m the stranger! I can be replaced, so I went on.
I said to her, “I don’t want you to think about a purple monkey”. She thought, and looked at me. I said, “you can’t see anything but a purple monkey right?” She nodded.
Suggesting: “this is the way your brain works. Wanting to stop thinking about something, IS TO THINK ABOUT IT FIRST.”
Now I had her interest….
I asked her to think about a time when she was deliriously happy, excited and filled with love. It took her a moment, but her face shifted and she went into the day her husband asked her to marry him. She smiled and the tears cleared, I anchored that state. Then I asked her to find a time of great determination, fierce protection, love and strength. She found it when thinking of her little daughter. I anchored that! Then I asked her to find a state of hilarity, laughter, what made her laugh. She found it, and laughed until she was feeling a little hysteria…I anchored that!
Then I asked her to think about the last birth and the C-Section, and fired off the anchors….she laughed, she couldn’t stop, she had entirely different feelings. We then got a word for her, that made her laugh and anchored these new feelings to the word.
I sat beside her and every time she tried to go back into the negative emotions around the C-Section, telling me I was being unfair, because this was really serious, I just touched her arm where the anchors were and she started laughing…so hard…
She gave up and laughed. After a moment or two, she calmed again, and I pushed the anchor again. She laughed and looked at me in shock, “I can’t believe all you have to do is touch my arm and I’m laughing”.
All her husband had to do from then on, was push the anchored spot and say the word and she would begin to giggle. We had dispelled the negative priming of 18 months of tears, frustration, drama and changed personal history for this mother.
During her next birth a C-Section was needed again. She was fine with this one, not a moment of regret or angst. Her husband however, was still fuming a week later after they returned home. So we did some anchoring and the family is still laughing!
Rapport Building : 101
It may seem complex, however, as you consider this, you are going to recognize you essentially do this all the time! The differences that occur in the birthing models are when practitioners enter into the room and go into polarity with other care providers. There is NO ROOM for this in the birthing rooms.
I’ve heard lots of Doula’s complaining about RN’s and how they treat them as servants or helpers for the RN.
That’s polarized and negative priming in the relationships and it needs to change with intention!
We are all doing this all the time anyway, bringing it to consciousness is the awareness to get something shifted when it needs to be and then let it go!
* Try motivating your two year old to eat his breakfast…rapport skills
* Working with your mother to get a family project completed ….rapport skills
* At work trying to get progress in a meeting to ensure the new filing system will operate….rapport building
Ok, lets look at the fundamentals of Rapport Building:
Match vs. Mismatch
Attention is focused on what is the same or what is different.
Matching is important for rapport and relationship building, since connecting with someone, or meeting them in their world view in order to better communicate, involves perceiving and communicating in ‘like’ ways. The concept of ‘like’, or match, is built into our language even to the point where, if we want to express an affinity we have with another person, we say we ‘like’ them. If we have negative feelings about someone, we say we ‘dis-like’ them. Matching is also important in seeing connections or associations between sets of ideas, motifs, themes and a broad range of integrative processes both within and across different fields of study and endeavours.
Mismatching is essential to sorting, itself. If I can’t tell any difference between two or more things, they are effectively the same to me and I have no basis on which to sort them from each other.
Our brains and nervous systems are designed to notice difference. Habituation, where the same stimulus happens over and over again, is the process by which our brains and nervous systems decide that something is no longer different enough to warrant notice and needn’t be brought to conscious attention. ‘Different’ gets our attention, and our awareness of it is important to our survival. Mismatching is also important in discriminating the desirable, sensible or functional from their opposites.
Mismatching takes us OUT OF RAPPORT with others, it allows us to change the subject, just like Raquel today, took us all out of rapport when she changed the pattern and interrupted the conversation- rightly so, we’d still be at it!
Matching and Mismatching, keys to Rapport, and when you KNOW what you are doing you have the OPTIONS.
As you might expect, matching becomes a problem when it is overused or used without choice. In relationships, over-matching can lead a person to forget their own boundaries and unique sense of self. They may become more compliant or accommodating than is good for either them, their partner, or the relationship as a whole. By matching too exclusively early in a relationship, a person may not discover how the other person will behave when differences emerge later in the relationship after commitments have already been made.
Since adults with full access to both matching and mismatching capabilities realistically expect that no two people are exactly the same, they may view someone who matches too consistently as either lacking in character or having a hidden agenda.
In other contexts, the overuse of matching can result in the failure to recognize important new information, essential differences which might strongly indicate a different course of action, or failure to appreciate the unique gifts and qualities in any person, team or situation.
Mismatching, when overused, can obstruct productive relationships, contaminate cooperation, reduce available choices, ignore important connections, segregate whole class groups of people, and generally cause strife and conflict. At its extreme, especially when combined with disassociation, it can lead to violence on a scale from interpersonal to international or intercultural.
Deep issues and getting “Past it”
One might think they need therapy when they are pregnant, there is enough going on in the pregnant woman’s psyche to create an unbelievable amount of chaos, one can only declare “well she’s pregnant”.
Focus shifts, responses are lost, the “soft frame” of mind is evident everywhere!
With deeper issues, fears or phobic responses to experiences – this can be attended to rather effortlessly through Hypnosis & NLP and relieve the intensity of those “believed outcomes” so that the woman can relax and enjoy her pregnancy!
Fears are, for example, an indication of how wonderfully fast the brain learns a new behaviour. Often it just takes one ‘bad’ experience for the unconscious mind to generalize behaviours of being terrified of something that can last for years, sometimes a lifetime. Try rehearsing labour from this place, when you have no idea of what is coming and only other peoples stories to learn from.
The good news is that because the brain does learn to be scared so quickly, it can learn a different and more useful behaviour (not to be scared) just as quickly.
These techniques are rapid, comfortable and easy
It usually amazes people to hear they are just no longer fearful of the upcoming birth that the thoughts, feelings and behaviour can change so fast, often within a matter of minutes, and for good.
How Are You Going To Cure My Fear?For many years the only treatment available for people with intense fear was de-sensitization. For example, if you had a fear of spiders you would gradually (very gradually) be introduced to the object you feared over a period of months, starting with tiny pictures, moving to slightly bigger pictures and eventually maybe a video and so forth. This was usually a painful process, when it worked at all, with people gradually getting used to the spiders whilst gritting their teeth and often more anchored into the fear than they were before!
Hypnotherapy has been the best approach for decades
The other treatment that had success was hypnotherapy, getting the person to deeply relax and build conditioned responses of calm whilst in a hypnotic trance, and/or/ using direct and indirect metaphor, embedded commands, getting the person to float back through time and ‘come to terms’ with their experiences amongst many others. Any or all of these techniques are still valid.
Then in the 1970’s Richard Bandler, co – creator of NLP, after asking psychiatrists and psychologists what their ‘most difficult’ clients were and being told ‘Phobics!(intense fear) Even talking to them about the phobia freaks them out,’ informed them that he was going to find an easy way to cure them.
The psychologists were highly skeptical that this was possible. ‘After all,’ they said, ‘we have been studying them for years’.
The point they had been missing is that they had been studying the one group of people in the world that did not know how to cure a phobia (intense fear), they have never thought to study people that had already cured themselves of the phobia and were willing to share what they had done to achieve their release.
Studying the right people (asking better questions!)
Dr. Bandler’s approach was to find people who had once had a fear and then ask them how they got over it. He expected to find a few people but had hundreds of replies to newspaper adverts for ‘ex-phobics’ (it turns out that it is quite common for people to get over phobias by themselves) and they all said the same sort of thing – ‘I used to have this terrible phobia but one day I said to myself ‘enough is enough’, I saw myself in the situation and I had to laugh, it was like the straw that broke the camel’s back, and ever since that moment it hasn’t bothered me a bit’.
And so the Birth of: ‘NLP Fast Phobia Cure’. The treatment often takes just a few minutes to resolve even a severe and chronic phobia. (intense fear”)
The treatment uses combinations of the fastest and most effective techniques that we have learned over the years and the number of sessions needed to resolve most common phobias is one, or very occasionally two.
- So it’s become part of the program to release fears in Birthing and it works…every time! Yes, every time?
- Yes, Every Time…It Works…
- Yes, even if you had a disastrous first birth, and you are having second birth, yes, it works.
- Yes, even if you are having the same doctors, hospital, and possibly a C-Section, yes, it works.
- Yes, even if you want to stop thinking about the disastrous birth trauma that you had and eventually get on with your life, yes it works.
- Yes, Every Time…It Works…
- Yes, for that too….whatever the issue, it works. Whatever you are afraid of, it works.
- If you re-read the very first part about how the brain actually learns fast…that’s how it works every time.
…yes, every time. Contact me for more information on learning the My Birth My Way, Gentle Birth Practices –
Upcoming Classes : Contact me for details, I prefer to see my parents together privately as we can focus on your birth and your experiences, and factilitate the times and dates you need.
I also have a Labour & Birth Doula program where I attend with you through the birth experience supporting both parents – for more details contact me.